Phew!!

The past year has been an eventful one by any stretch of imagination... Do I dare say it was probably the most 'happening' year in my life.... I think thats a fair statement to make.

To begin with... i turned 28. Now that's not just any other number... 28 is what we (me and nimish) had always considered to be 'grown up'. In short. I grew up.

'Break-up' with Asad was made official. :-) This one still seems funny to me.

I (FRICKIN!!!) got engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my home done just the way I wanted it.... shower cubicles, wall paneling and calvin and hobbes etc

I moved into my own home.

I (HOLY MOMMA #$@$) got married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I buy my first car

I change jobs!!!

A sedate 2008 doesn't sound like a bad idea. What say?

Vizag Panorama

Will post about my trip later... most of you must have had enough commentary courtesy my SMSes during the trip... :-) Maybe I will take Rim's advice and just publish my SMS comments onto the blog.

Winter winter everywhere....

Reading Divya's post brought back memories of my early winters... Ranchi was cold...its much much warmer now I hear. The sun would barely shine, looking like a 'poppins'. Here is a phrase I haven't heard in a long long time.... 'in-sweater'...thats what we called the sweater which we wore ...well 'in'. And it was a big deal if your in-sweater was peeking out of your 'out sweater', and kids made fun of you. :-)

Winters also meant the whole family around the tiny room-heater we had. My bro 's asthma would kick-in during winters and my ailments in the summer. So mom always had a sick child around her.

---The rest of the post was accidentally deleted and I don't have the patience to type it out again---

Am back baby

So...what did I miss???

Lists Ahoy!

I finally uploaded Khasi's latest Wishlist.... Sorry for the delay dude!!

If you want to put up your wishlist online, so that you can look back at it later send it over to me. There is just one catch...

These must be things that money can buy.

Blogged with Flock

What do you say?

If you know me personally, you probably know that I am a closet geek. You probably even took technical advice from me at some point of your life...whether you had asked me for the piece of advice and the outcome of it is another matter altogether.

Coming to the point, I frequently bump into new and cool bits of tech, ranging from web sites, web services, gadgets to 'hidden' features in everyday tools. I would like to write about them on the blog. You know, like tell you about one cool website or a really easy way to separate first and last names in Excel or how to start up your PC instantly.

What I can't decide is, should these posts be in the same blog (vixdom) or should I be starting a new blog which is focussed on that. Here are my views:


Starting a new blog (PoV will remain the way it is)

1. Vixdom is about 'nothing in particular'. And I like it that way since it gives me the liberty to post just about any piece of crap I come up with.

2. Starting a new blog which is focussed on tech might be a good idea since it tells the readers exactly what to expect.

Posting about tech thingies in PoV now and then

1. People would not have to another blog.
2. PoV will have the combined 'viewership' of tech readers and nonsense readers
3. I might not have time to come up with material for PoV which might die down :-(

What's your opinion? Should I start a new blog focussin on tech tips and reviews? Take the poll alongside.

CRACKED.com - An Experiment in Nudity: Top 10 Female Names on Google

Source: CRACKED.com - An Experiment in Nudity: Top 10 Female Names on Google

We’ve taken the 10 most popular female names in America, plugged them into Google Image search, and rated the results according to how naked they are. It’s like rating your classmates yearbook pictures, only your class is the size of the whole world, and the yearbook committee is surprisingly tolerant of pornography.

Yes, we ran out of things to do at the office.

#10.

Margaret

First Result:
Margaret “Dink” Nolan, the Bond girl from Goldfinger. A Bond girl at No. 1! That’s promising ...

Overall Front-Page Strength:
... And, then there's a whole bunch of professors and school teachers, including that physicist lady in the first row who studies asteroids. Seriously, this is like a feminists' dream, here. There's six Ph.D.s and zero thong models. That's ... progress we guess.

Porn Index:
Turning off Google's SafeSearch adds a single image of an almost-completely clothed Margaret Lee to the front page.

Seriously, Google, where is that pic not considered "safe?" Iran? Are you worried about the children? The children see more scantily-clad women in a Hanes commercial. Otherwise, nothing.

Overall Ranking (On a scale of 1 to 5 Google Boobs):
1 out of 5 Boobles. Margaret is a respectable woman, but she's no damned harlot. Moms, you want to keep your girl off the stripper pole, name her Margaret.

Click here to read the rest...

Beat the IVR

Remember the good old days, when you could call customer care and talk to a person who would resolve your problem? Neither do I. But I hear that a certain phone company in Bolivia actually has a customer care number with a humanoid being on the other end.

The rest of the world of course, talks to the best invention since elevator music. Press 1 to know what the invention is, press 2 to bomb Djibouti. Press 3 sensuously to turn me on.

You know what am talkin about....

And just when you learn to navigate through the myriad menus to reach a primate, those @$$#0|3s go ahead and change the entire thing. Those maternal copulating meanies!!! Their dream, a day when none of their customers bother them with a call, but shrivel under their desks (or kitchen counters) and quietly pay their bills.

We can't put up with this. To quote the greatest American president, Bill Pullman ( He kicked alien ass in ID4 dude!!)

"We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"..

As a first bullet, I am giving below a secret map... the key... to reach an actual homo-sapien in Airtel Mobile customer care.

Please use it to the fullest. And spread the word around. And if you can get more such shortcuts to beat the shit out of these IVR systems.... I will gladly publish them and publicize them.

Idhu eppadi irruku?

We are the champions...

Home..Sweet House [Updated]

Fear of completion.

I must have been about 12 or so. I don't remember. Amma had made this really yummy paneer dish. Me and Vijay were all over it. Vijay, wolfed it down and went over to watch TV (I would guess).

I.... picked out the last piece of paneer with a hint of gravy, and with the deftness of a crime scene investigator, put it in a small polythene bag. And stored it in the freezer. It lay there for a month. Mom found it eventually and threw it out.

I did not have to wait for me to get older to realize I had a problem. But as the years passed by, I was able to understand what was my problem. I fear completion.

Let me elaborate.

I love the band Sixpence none the richer. They broke up and so will not have any new albums out. To my knowledge, they have about 6 albums. I have all of them. I have listened and loved all of them. Except one. No. It didn't stink. It's just that I haven't listened to it yet. And I have it with me for only about 4 years now.

I am currently reading Franny and Zooey*. The only published J.D Salinger book I haven't read. (There are only four.) I was gifted the book a few years back. And I finally started reading it. I have about 25 pages left...and am unable to bring myself to finishing it. The book rocks! (That's putting it very, very  mildly.) If I finish, there will be no more J.D Salinger's for me.

And that (as you would have understood by now) is my problem. I hate to see good things coming to an end. And so I try to prolong or postpone the ending...and in the process lose out on some potentially good stuff.

Am I alone here? Do any of you do something similar or at least equally weird ? (Ms. Shoe taster, please own up)

*Riwin:This is the same copy you gave me with the inscription 'Read it before you are 30'. I am 28.

LOL

Miss teen south carolina - With Sub Titles

And I shall call him..... Married Me

Since we met last, I managed to get married.... and stay married. So far so good.

Not only that, I have even learnt quite a bit.... and since I have the keyboard... and no an abundance of free time, I will begin to dispense my newly acquired wisdom in bits and pieces. Here are a few for today.

A girl needs 3 pairs of footwear for a 4 day trip to the beach. And yet not have the right pair to walk on sand.

• A soap and a shampoo are not enough to take a bath. One must possess a mild soap, shampoo, conditioner, loofah, body-wash, face scrub, about 65,034 balls of cotton, after shower conditioner, after shower cream, sun-screen..... (will complete this list later)
• Straight hair is bad. It has to be curly.
• Curly hair is bad. Hair has got to be straight.

Am Bach

minus the talent.

On a kit-kat

I will not be posting for a few days .

RGV ki Aag - a review

If you have been living in Amarbayasgalant Monastery in Mongolia you would be forgiven for thinking that Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag is a porn flick about a small town guy's sexual misadventures in the big city... but anyway, I wouldn't want this post to have any autobiographical nuances.

You, being smart (since you are reading my  blog) would obviously know that this movie is RGV's tribute to Sholay. And I had the ***fortune of watching the first screening in Hyderabad yesterday.

The last time, RGV and AB came together, the result was Nishabd.And I knew that it would be a tough act for Ramu to follow.

Let me stick my neck out once more and say it

RGV ki AAG lived up to my expectations

The unfortunate part for me, and the poor bastards in the audience, is that I expected a dreary, torturous experience.

Ramu is adept at producing a torturous experience right from the word go. You gotta hand it to the guy. I believe his Shiva (the newer one) was his testing ground for this. It uses a patented technique for ensuring that the audience cannot doze off (Amar Mohile succeeds) while the director ensures you rue the waking hours. Reminded me of the old 'loin joke. ("Robert, isko liquid oxygen mein daal do; liquid isko jeene nahin dega aur oxygen isko marne nahin dega.")

There an overdose of the rotating camera angles (which I loved in Nishabd) which might cause nausea. Oh, and the secret ingredient, Nisha Kothari, to add the special feeling of someone trailing rat guts on your back.

AB can breath a sigh of relief though. It's over. He doesn't have to worry about people's sky high expectations anymore. Not after this.

I especially feel sorry for the hordes in Kerala, who will go to watch their favourite star. They have not undergone such torture since.... Dhartiputra.

The only entertainment this movie will offer is in the form of scathing reviews about it. Let's hope our critics don't let us down.

Oh, and btw, the Amarbayasgalant Monastery does exist. I didn't make it up.

Holier than thou...

I know a secret....

Earlier today (though it's barely noon now), under the cover of a veshti, dad and a pundit whispered what I suppose was a secret. I have no clue what they said, but by the time our short game of 'house house' was over, I was declared a full fledged brahmin.

Yep! I got my poonal done today, and i have the thread to prove it. A few pics below...


It's not what it looks like.....



With my 'license'

With the best man...

Tagged!

By (horror of horrors!!!) Ms. Divya Iyer Nerlekar

1.Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.

You don't get too many scars playing Transport Tycoon or by lying belly down on your bed, with a good book and hot pakodas on the floor. I am man enough to say I am not man enough to take physical pain.

2. What is on the walls in your room?

I don't have a 'my room' right now. But my hall has Calvin and Hobbes lazing on a branch in autumn and another one of Charlie Brown and Snoopy on a pier with their backs to me.

3. What does your phone look like?

Always been a sucker for flip phones. Blame it on watching the 'old' Star Trek. Here is how it looks like.

4. What music do you listen to?

What don't I listen to? Boy bands, Himesh, Latino, Trance.

5. What is your current desktop picture?

This is horribly predictable.... Calvin and Hobbes...its been the same for years.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?

I want it to be September 10th now, so that all the shaadi ka jhamela is over.

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?

Whatever rocks your boat...

8. Are your parents still together?

Yep! I think they are gung-ho about the 'till death do us part' thingy.

9. What are you listening to?

My paati snoring like a deep sea oil drill...and my rhythmic keyboard patter.

10. Do you get scared of the dark?

I love the dark. Doesn't scare me if I am home.

11. The last person to make you cry?

P. Chidambaram

12. What kind of hair/eye type do you like on the opposite sex?

Streaked hair, and black eyes.

13. Do you like pain killers?

No drugs.

14. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Naah... Unless its someone I have a massive crush on. I always stumbled with those.

15. Favourite pizza topping?

Olives, Pepperoni

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?

Uhhh... Pizza with extra cheese, Olives and Pepperoni...

Recycle bin hard drive stores your deletions, mimics a trash can - Engadget

 

Recycle bin hard drive stores your deletions, mimics a trash can - Engadget

Wishlist 07- 08

Technorati Tags: wish, wishlist, list

My wishlist for this year is out... and here it is.

:-(

The Dark Knight - Teaser Site

Error

If you can't figure this one out.... then maybe it's not for you.

यह तो काफ़ी कूल हे ना ?

Google had indicated that they are about to offer something special to us in India...But this really took me by surprise, even though I had heard rumors that they were working on something along these lines. (How dense am I?)

Check these out...

http://www.google.com/transliterate/indic/

http://labs.google.co.in/indic.html

http://local.google.co.in/

As for the last one, I did a quick test run and still prefer Guruji

Stewie

The Trio Factor

In another of my startling revelations, it struck me recently that I have always been part of a group of three.

School: Me, Asad and Sanil

Inter: Me, Asad and Ali

Degree: Me, Vivek and Bhanu

VisualSoft: Me, Vasu and Sayeed

Adea: Me, Anil and Riwin

LGS: Me, Anu and Runki

Deloitte: Me, Arpit and Zafer

This can't be a coincidence can it? Or do everyone hang out in groups of three? Tell me about you.

Where Concept of a ‘Pet Rock’ Has Reached Its Apex

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/17/world/asia/17india.html?ref=world




HYDERABAD, India — They rise unexpectedly between glass office towers or at the base of a 12th-century fort. Sometimes they are perched precariously, one on top of another, as though they were the left-behind playthings of a civilization of giants. More and more, they are broken into bits, first by dynamite, then painstakingly by hand, so that the earth can be flattened and new office towers can come up.

Skip to next paragraph

Enlarge This Image

J. Adam Huggins for The New York Times

At construction sites in booming Hyderabad, the rugged rocks are being turned into gravel to make way for high-tech offices.

The New York Times

They are the primordial rocks that litter this boomtown. Over the years they have earned nicknames that hint at their improbable shapes: Bear’s Nose, Stone Heart. Some have become Hindu temples and Sufi Muslim shrines; others, on occasion, have become billboards.
Today, as Hyderabad builds at breakneck speed, the rocks have become the focus of one of India’s many emerging citizens movements. The Society to Save Rocks, as it is called, aims to protect the geological heritage of the city against the swift march of urban development.
The rocks, formed at least two billion years ago, remain a peculiar feature of the vast tableland, the Deccan Plateau, where Hyderabad sits.
Boomtowns across India have spawned movements of similar vigilance, part of a tiny but visible trend among middle-class Indians to save something of the natural or cultural heritage of their cities against the onslaught of the new.
In Chennai, on the southern coast, neighborhood groups have mounted campaigns to restore Hindu temples’ traditional water tanks, which have either been built over or fallen into disrepair, depriving the city of its water storage areas and worsening floods during the monsoon.
In Mumbai, formerly Bombay, preservationists have campaigned to save colonial-era buildings, and in New Delhi, a government plan to widen a road for big new buses has encountered a movement to save the imperiled trees in its path.
Of course, these first hints of resistance conflict with urban India’s other needs and desires.
To developers in Hyderabad, for instance, the rocks, mostly granite and granite gneiss, are encumbrances that must be cleared for construction projects.
Hyderabad’s population has nearly doubled in 25 years, to an estimated 4.2 million. Once a quaint city of monuments, it is now one of India’s new technology hubs. Developers are rushing to erect office towers and multiplex cinemas. The building frenzy is visible in every corner.
In one of those corners, an ambitious 110-acre development called Lanco Hills is under way, an office park for technology companies, high-rise apartments, two hotels and one of the largest shopping malls in the country. There are no boulders anywhere in its promotional materials, as though the landscape had been scrubbed clean.
In fact, that is exactly what is happening, and at a hefty cost to the developer. On a company tour of the site one afternoon, a drilling machine ground its way through the large boulders, cutting holes for dynamite. Once the bigger boulders were dislodged, the process would start again on smaller boulders, until the rocks were small enough to go into a crushing machine and turned into a fine powder used to fortify concrete.
On a summer Sunday afternoon, Vasu Nugala and C. J. Rao stood on a bluff overlooking the construction site, watching machines gouge out the underside of the hill, as though carving a side of roast beef. The bluff itself, home to a 14th-century Muslim shrine, was not endangered, and on this day families came to picnic and worship, huddling under outcroppings of the giant boulders when the dark rain clouds burst.
Neither Mr. Nugala nor Mr. Rao were averse to the changes sweeping through Hyderabad. In fact, they were part of it — Mr. Nugala being a software man, recently returned from Tucson, Ariz., Mr. Rao being in real estate.
“I know we’re not going to stop the development,” Mr. Nugala said. “I just hope we ease up a little.”
Mr. Rao added, “These rocks can’t go up again once they are gone.”
Their campaign has succeeded in creating a rock park in the heart of the city, overlooking a lake. It has also led to the designation of nine rock formations as heritage sites, including the Bear’s Nose, which is to sit smack inside a proposed hotel in what is known as the Cyber City neighborhood. Some of the technology campuses have artfully incorporated the boulders into their design, transforming them into rock gardens.
But enforcing the heritage designation requires constant vigilance by citizens groups, said Narendra Luther, a longtime member of the Society to Save Rocks. He should know; he spent his entire career in the Indian government bureaucracy. “We are very poor in implementing our laws,” he said.
Mr. Luther lives with the rocks. One dominates his living room, forming a wall that divides the sitting area from the dining room. The same boulder shoots up through the ceiling into the apartment upstairs, where Mr. Luther’s son lives with his own family. His 5-year-old grandson, Rishab, scrambles up and down its steep smooth side.
“I came in 1958. I was fascinated by it,” Mr. Luther said of his obsession with the city’s ancient boulders. “First, the sheer presence of the rocks and the fantastic shapes, sometimes defying gravity, one right over the other. It looks like somebody has placed it there and you can give it a slap and it will fall.”
Developers have approached with sweet offers for his house, which occupies a big plot of land in one of the best neighborhoods in town. He has brushed them off.
Correction: August 18, 2007
A map with a foreign journal yesterday about citizen efforts to save the huge boulders of Hyderabad, India, from destruction during a development boom mislabeled in some copies a city in the southeast. It is Chennai, not Mumbai.

Think Free. Live Free.

Happy Independence Day

Chapter 11

Here is a kicker.... if you had to write your autobiography today. Right up until this moment. What would the name of the chapters be? Let me know and I will post your list on vixlist. To give you an idea on what I am talking about, I am giving below the chapters which would be on my autobiography. The chapters refer to various phases of my life, and may not be in chronological order.

• Re Invent
• Run-up to Feb 9th
• Today...and the day after tomorrow
• Discovering home
• Conquering R
• The Mother Ship
• Fruit Beer among other things
• Among the natives
• Vix Pub
• The second last bench

Anybody care to guess what any of these chapters could be referring to.

Then and now = A photo journey

Vivek & Bhanu late last month and about 10 years ago. Some things don't change....




















Again these two pictures are about ten years apart. Noticeable change in me? The infamous mouche... nobody misses it. Nimish was in his ...or should I say, started his 'fat phase' around this time.
















These are not too far apart though, Sam when she was about 6-7 months and she must be about 4 in the second picture. Amma seems the same.

Now a few more for the road...















The one on the left was on Rimli's birthday....ages ago. I hate me in the other one. While Rahul pulls off an actual 'yo', my yo makes me look like a i am in the midst of a paralytic attack.

And now a moment of silence for the departed....

















What was ..the '5 of us'




















Me and Asad, before he succumbed to a chronic bout of TCI (Terminal Crotch Itch, caused by Fungus Bufonidae) ...

Ironic???

August 15th, 2007. India will celebrate her 60th year of freedom. And it is on this day that I will lose mine.

My mom arrives (along with my grand ma) on the 15th....and herz the kick in the nuts, by the time she leaves, I will be a married dude!

In short, I lose my independence this independence day. It still hasn't really hit me. But I hope it does, before this weekend, so that I can make the most of it (read: Drink like an alcoholic Jat, on new year's eve in an 'all you can drink' place).

As the Alanis Morisette song went... 'Isn't it ironic?'

Hmmmf..wha???? It's mornin already???

I've been sleepin... lemme get my coffee..then write something

Identify the gay man

Plasma vs LCD

Return of the undercover statistician

Statistician's first strike
 

• 390 people think they just had the next great idea
• 9 actually did.
• Only 1 will actually do something about it.
• 4,002 people across Asia, Europe and North America fell in love right this moment.
• 143,349 people across these continents fell out of love now!
• All 147,351 of them are thrilled about it.
• 146,384 people across the globe are wondering if their sexual fantasies actually mean they are perverts.
  
  
  
  • 1,845 of them (including you) qualify as perverts.
• 34,340 people are thinking of quitting their jobs.
• Only 540 had the guts to do it.
• 11 of them got fired before they could quit.
• 11,345 are happy that they got away with a petty crime
  
  
  • 948 people are bummed out that they have been blamed for something they didn't do. Not this time.
• 138 people across South India tried squeezing their toothpaste tube to get that last bit out.
• All 128 got enough to brush for today.
• 89 will get enough the day after.
• 11 the day after that.
• 74% of the people reading this blog will consider either clicking an Ad or voting in the poll.
• 51% will do neither
• 18% will vote on the poll
• 1% will click the ad
• 4% (which includes you) will do both.

Aamir Khan

As an Aamir Khan fan, I can't usually get enough of him, thanks to his policy of quality over quantity. Isn't that why we like him in the first place.

Happened to chance on his personal blog, you can find it here. It's about his remake of Ghajini. I haven't seen the original Tamil version (Saw only the first half rather), and have seen Memento (and was blown away).

Am willing to bet your balls that this version will be better than the tam original since it has A.R Rahman's music and ... Aamir khan. Besides the director can fix a lot of 'bugs' from the Tamil original in this remake.

Drop that weapon

Airports are kooky. For various reasons. Each time I fly somewhere, I notice something flaky about airports or air travel in general. Whether it is orphan luggage, announcers who speak in tongues, or airport security, they all drive me up the wall.

Here I was, Sunday morning at the Chennai airport. I had inadvertently come in a good 3 hours early and so had a lot of time to kill. After having a sliver of a sandwich made of a rare South American cheese and endangered variety of wheat (I assume. Why else would he have priced it at 70 bucks?) I was loitering around and lookin at the displays.

They were playing a slideshow which told people what they couldn't bring on board... the usual suspects, Gel, matches, nail clippers etc. Borrring! Then the list turned interesting. The following are things they actually had to tell people not to bring on board. I am not kidding..honest to god.

• Shot Guns
• Rifles
• Crowbars
• Axe
• Disabling Chemicals
• Dynamite
• Cricket Bats (!!!)
• Swords
• Power Saw
• Saber
• Ski Pole
• Tear Gas

Apparently there were lot of people bringing these items and insisting on carrying them on-board.

Moron: "Arre bhai! Ek hi to rifle he, ise kyon nahi la sakte hein? Mein to hamesha mere guns aur bombs lekar aata hoon. Kisko pata kab kaam aa jaye! Chodo na yaar, jaane do na."

Are we really such a dumb nation that we have to be told not to take these things on board? Maybe we are. Anyway as a citizen I would like to do my bit by pointing out some things they obviously overlooked. Maybe the Committee for Inclusion of Dangerous Objects in Moronic List can include the following hazardous items too:

• My friend Nimish's socks
• Samurai Katana
• Anything Himesh Reshamiya
• Plutonium Reactors
• Andhra Pickle
• Uzi
• Economics Text Book
• Nimish's red shorts

Am glad I have done my bit for the safety of air passengers. When was the last time you did anything good for humanity? Ha!

Microsoft Surface Parody

Have you seen the video demo of Microsoft Surface? 'Wow!' isn't it? In case you haven't, you can find it here.

And now that you have seen the original, check out this parody. Too funny.

Moving daze ahead

I am all set to move into my own apartment...well almost. Will keep you posted.

Too funny..

Apparently am making up for my long absence by posting crap loads of stuff. Herez the next bit. I found it on the web. It's called 'New rules for 2007'

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Try this out.... NOW

1. Get a pair of earphones....
2. Plug it in... your PC (you sicko!!!)
3. Listen to this.

Amazing Digital Surround Sound - Watch more free videos

Give us back our superheroes

A couple of weeks back during my trip to Bangalore I had the misfortune of watching a typical masala movie... you know the types am talking about right?

The hero and his best friend are in love with the same girl. Some misunderstandings and melodrama later, best friend turns villain. Tells the girl to act as if she hates the hero...to save her maang ka sindoor she does it. Hero goes to a bar with another girl and dances drunk to make her jealous.
Also hero has a fight with another character, and asks his ex-best friend for help. He asks him to F.O. But then the loyal servant (Ramu Kaka) thokofies some sense in him. So ex-best friend turned villain turned best friend comes back during the climax fight and takes a bullet to save hero and dies. Then hero rings temple bells to kill villian....

Oh ya, the movie has a special appearance by Spider Man. A good fifteen minutes.

What the....why?

This movie has cemented the fact that Hollywood is now officially incapable of making superhero flicks any longer. After humanizing The Hulk (ok, granted he isn't a 'super hero' as such), making Superman wear a skimpy operation gown they have now turned Spidey into a hero from a 80s Manmohan Desai movie. Minus the songs and the fun.

But there is hope... for those wanting to see a real superhero flick...wait till June 15th....and watch Sivaji. :-)

Rip Van Vix

It's been sometime since I last blogged...and I am glad to say that for once it isn't due to my overwhelming laziness....not entirely.

After 5 years of employment I was forced to start working of late, and this left me gasping for breath like the winner of 'Do you want to be a porn star?' TV show. (There should be such a show btw.)

Also my apartment is fast nearing completion and my 'd-day' is more than a speck in the horizon.

Bottom line: It was nice to get quite a few mailers and SMS asking why I had not posted of late. I can now confidently say that my blog is read by a double digit population.

Listless in Las Vegas

Ok ok.. I am very much in Hyderabad, but 'Listless in Hyderabad' doesn't sound as nice does it?

Anyway point is I have put up a couple of new lists in vixlist

So go ahead..give a few hits to my other blog too.

Ramblings of an undercover statistician

1. 436,401 people are saying "Working hard? Or hardly working?" and laughing at their ingenuity right now.

2. 16 people in Hyderabad city alone have bought the car sticker of a puppy peering from under a curtain in a hope that their car will be unique.

3. 1.31% of the world population will wonder if they are good kissers in the next 24 hours.

4. 1,259 people (with messy hands) are wondering how to turn on the futuristic looking tap in front of them right now.

5. Before this work day is over 149 people would have said "Oh..the email must be traveling to you right now..." and snicker to themselves.

6. 1,234,402 men are wondering right this moment, if size matters.

7. 19 women discovered that it does.

8. 2 people are trying to hard to remember your name.

9. 1 person is trying to remember your face.

10. 948 males took a peek at a cleavage this second and hoped nobody noticed.

11. 345 people noticed.

12. 456,932 people are re-reading their favourite part of their favourite book right now.

13. I am wondering, now, right this moment, if anyone is going to read this.

Q1 Racing

Last weekend, I had to go to the railway reservation counter to cancel a ticket. It's been ages since I went to one what with online tickets and all... In fact, I realized that its been quite sometime since I even stood in a queue. I do all my bill payments and ticket purchases online, and in places which require a queue, I shamelessly ask my fiancee to use the 'ladies Q'. Anyway, here I was standing in the queue of about 20, shuffling our feet every 30 odd seconds in a desperate attempt to make ourselves think we are moving forward. It gave me a chance to play what I call 'Q1 Racing'. Here is how it works.

Step 1: Pick a Q, Any Q

Unfortunately, Q1 requires that there be at least 2 queues in parallel, 3 would be ideal. If there are three Qs then pick the center one (I don't care if you feel the one on the left is moving faster. It's not...trust me). If there are only two Qs then you can pick any of them.

Next pick your competition. One person from each of the other Qs. Ideally you would want to pick one guy who is slightly ahead of you from one Q, and a guy who is in the same spot as you from the other. It would help if you selected sinister looking people who you hate just looking at. Fortunately every queue in the world is supplied with at least one.

Step 2: The set-up

Pretend you are in your own fancy sports car, racing car, bike, or even on a horse if thats your fancy. You are in the arena, surrounded by 100,000 fans shouting their lungs out cheering for you.

Set up the commentary box. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have the race of your lifetime here...Blah Blah". You know what am talking about. Revv up your engine (or giddy up your horse) and GO! You might want to make loud engine noises to create the appropriate effect, but this sort of behaviour (I learnt) is frowned upon.

Step 3: The Race
Over the next few minutes you will partake in a heady, adrenaline pumping race. Your heart will sink, when the sleazeball from the right lane overtakes you. (Try not to show him the finger though..) You heart will thump when you pull ahead of your apponents after a disaster stuck your lane (the lady in your counter goes to the loo). You will experience an exhilaration which would put orgasms to shame when you screech past to the finish line...the crowd goes wild and you lift the Ticket and show it to the wild fans and photographers...

Aah.. I hope that was my last race. I want to retire on a high note.

Ass seen on TV

I watch a fair amount of television. Perhaps not as much as the average Indian housewife. Recent statistics reveal she spends what amounts to twice the lifespan of the average Mongolian Kangaroo Flea* everyday watching soaps named by dyslexic sadhu's from the seventeen and hafth century.

As for me, my TV watching time is equally divided between watching the news ( CNBC, IBN and NDTV) and sitcoms (Friends, Seinfeld, Simpson's and Teleshopping). Teleshopping????? You read that right. I am a huge fan of tele-shopping programs and have been...for years now. What's not to like??? No. I have never nor intend to actually order any of the things shown on TV. As I mentioned earlier, for me, the teleshopping programs are a kind of sitcom. As far as I am concerned, a sitcom for me has to follow these rules:

1. It has to be short - My attention span maxes out at 30 minutes.


2. They should not be serialized. I should be able to watch the episodes in any particular order and missing one should not be a big deal.


3. It should be about happy people with fun lives.


4. Any problems that the characters have should be resolved within that day's episode. (Refer rule #2)


5. It should be funny.
   
   

Now tell me if teleshopping infomercials break any of the above rules.

They stick to the 30 minute format. The characters are realistic and rarely have last names or interesting unrealistic professions (Bob - A Teacher, Gina - Home maker, Tony - Green Grocer, etc.) At the beginning of the program they have a problem. Bob and Gina want to throw a party but their salads are so horrendously boring. If only modern science could come up with a solution for this heinous shortcoming to modern urban living. Their good friend Dave (apparantly a superstar in the home shopping sphere who also goes by the name Kevin sometimes, for tax purposes I assume) pops in, wearing the sweater Bob Newhart died in (Hez dead right?) and Drew Carrey's nerdy glasses. He laughs pitifully at them because they still use... get this... knives to cut their vegetables. And out of his left pocket he pops out the VegeRotomater, an ingenious device developed by NASA scientists to help Sunita Williams cut bhendi and pyaz in the space station. He pops in the VegeRotomater into the end of a cucumber, turns the handle...and... the cucumber is cut in the shape of a ballerina standing on tip-toe and wearing a pink tutu. And would you believe it, this thing is on sale.... right now...as you are reading this. Call the nice folks at the call center and they will throw in a cookie cutter, disposable panties, seat covers for a 1980 Ambasaddor Mark II and a pink tutu. And all this for just one third of what you are supposed to think all this should cost. Mr. and Mrs..... uh...Bob and Gina are thrilled. They have their party, which serves only salads, there is the Michaelangelo's David (stop thinking about the cucumber, pervert.), Eiffel Tower, Mount Fuji, and indeed whatever else you can think of. Its almost 30 minutes since it started, so the nice folks remind us yet again on how we can go about enriching our lives with their offering and we come to the end.

What's not to like? And the twin cherries on the icing?

The commercial breaks contain no actual commercials, only more of the sitcom. Imagine if during breaks on Seinfeld, they showed his stand-up routines.

You would more likely see the dubbed version of these english 'infomercials' on TV. Unlike Hollywood movies, I find that the dubbed versions here are actually better than the english originals. Watch Kevin excitedly tell us how the apple is 'seeti jaise saaf' ... that's 'clean as a whistle' to you.

You tell me. What's not to like?

* The Mongolian Kangaroo Flea is a very sorry creature. It is an anomaly of nature and perhaps stands testimony to the fact that Darwin's theory was in fact written by him early Monday morning after a weekend beeriest, and handed over to his professor for a B Grade. This wretched little creature is found in the upper reaches of Mongolia and feeds on Kangaroo blood. The embryo (or larvae - scientists are still arguing) survive for the first 6 hours of their existence by sucking on moisture and gloom (found in abundance) from the thin air and spends the remainder (about 8 more hours) wondering how long it might have to wait for a kangaroo to show up. The Ulan Batol Flea Circus is your best bet to watch these fasinating creatures.

Another cool site...

If you are in marketing or in a job which has you making PPTs, then you must check out this site called SlideShare.If you don't know what a PPT is, then don't even bother...

Ain't this cool...?

I signed up for this cool service from Snap.That's what is responsible for those tiny speech bubble like icons scattered all over. Just try hovering your mouse over one of those.... Ain't it cool?

Wierdest ad .......ever

It would help if you can read the title of the blog in the Comic Book Guy's (from The Simpsons) accent.

Anyway, I noticed this very..very weird hoarding (that's a bill board for you yankee)... Its on the way to my office and close to my home, and is for a brand of chicken. Couldn't help but take a pic of it, cauz otherwise you wouldn't believe me.



Wierd part: Not that I have to point this out to you, That guy is actually proposing to the girl with a chicken drumstick.

Wierder part: She is completely taken by this. Just look at her... she is already picturing the wedding ring with the huge solitaire Chicken McNugget.

Years later, her grand kids will discover a dusty shoe-box with the remains of a chicken bone and a ring with nothing on it (the ants would have got the McNugget just in case she didn't nibble on it every once in a while.)

Have you seen a weirder ad?

Nishabd

NISHABD - 01. Roza...

Saw Nishabd over the weekend. Right now I would say it is Ram Gopal Varma's best ever. You read that right. I am going to stick my neck out and say this. Yes, its better than Satya, better than even Kshana Kshanam. And if your nostrils are flaring, wait a bit.

This is Amitabh's best performance...ever...

I am not saying it's a very entertaining movie. And my golden rule for judging a movie is based on how entertaining it is. But this time, the sheer brilliance of the performance kept me glued to my seat.

Take it from me, watch the movie. And don't be one of those morons who think that director's and actor's endorse whatever they show.

The next logical step

I was reading this article that said that scientists have discovered some chimps in Africa which are now using spears to hunt other animals. It seems to me that we aimed our huge dish antennas outwards looking for intelligent life forms in other galaxies, and overlooked the chance that some other species might evolve into so called intelligent creatures. I am not exactly sure on what came after what, but needless to say we can expect chimps to discover fire, invent the wheel and sliced bread in the coming years.

The UN will want to step in, and a new organization will be formed for helping the chimps evolve faster by giving them technology. The chimps will return the favour by flinging dung at the scientists.Pretty soon they would be up to speed and downloading primate porn off the internet.


The chimps will move into cities and merge with human societies. Its logical that they would want political representation. I predict that the first chimp political party and will win the popular vote, mainly from humans because let's face it, those chimps are darned cute...

They would also be subject to racial (what's the right word???) discrimination and we will have legislation which ensures equal opportunity for all chimps. Don't be surprised if you end up working with them. I am not.

Yawn!

It's been sometime since I blogged... and the only reason behind this is because I didn't have anything to say. Which is strange...because since we last met, I got engaged.

I am supposed to have a new insight into life and be more matured and all that kinda jazz... but so far.. no such luck. Anyway I plan to sit on the potty (The Bodh tree don't work for all of us) for an extra 4 minutes tomorrow in the hope that wisdom will dawn on me.

Meanwhile watch this episode of one of my fav. TV shows, The Twilight Zone

The Twilight Zone - Where is Everybody
Uploaded by mg217

My Valentine's Day

Was stuck in a Legal Compliance training all day… where they told us never to use the word ‘will’… ever… in any email or document. I cannot write ‘the sun will rise tomorrow’…. I need to say ‘Based on past occurrences, the Deloitte US Firms believe that there is a strong probability of the sun rising in the east tomorrow*.’

* Deloitte & Touche USA LLP and its Function Specific Subsidiaries assume that the world will not end today. This does not mean that the U.S. firms endorse the point that world may not end by 11PM tonight…

In short, don’t dare ask me how my valentine’s day went…

Living Better #3

Part 1
Part 2

It has been sometime since I let you in on another one of my saucer of secrets to living better... This bit though was something I realized last Saturday in Bangalore (My cousin Prashi can vouch for that)

Every day, just once, when you feel like peeing, hold it in.

I repeat.

Hold it in.

Till you feel you can't hold it in any longer. Then (needless to say, but I must for legal reasons) rush to the loo and relieve yourself.

What you will lose in damage to your kidney and bladder you will have gained in sheer happiness. Trust me on this one. :-)

A 2nd draft...

I complained earlier that I was not entirely satisfied with my 'nugget of wisdom'. It was too long and rambling, and I needed something short and spiffy. Let me know if this second draft of the message works..

If you want a relationship that lasts your lifetime, you better take up smoking.

Is this version better ? Would you have figured out what it means if you hadn't read my previous post? Let me know.

My Eureka

I believe that every person has something to contribute towards humanity's pool of wisdom. My friend Nimish for example, had this quote to contribute towards the pool

"Life is too big for small events."

Now you might not exactly know what he is talking about, or maybe each of you will interpret it in your own way. But thats besides the point. He has made his statement, and it will remain drifting among other quotes from people ranging from Plato to Palani saami. (On a side note, his contribution to the wisdom pool just about made up for his poising the human gene pool.)

Coming to the agenda for this post. Somewhere late last weekend, I think I have come up with something too. Though it might not be as 'short and snappy' as I would have wanted, nevertheless it makes a lot of sense for me right now.

Every relationship comes with an expiry date. If you want one that lasts a lifetime, pick one which expires a hundred and fifty years from now, and hope that medical science doesn't progress as fast.

Am done now. Bye :-)

Seriously dorks!!!

Are the geeks / dorks / whatever really that clueless? Check this news from SETI,

That is begging for jokes..... here are some comments on the article from the web...

***Warning excessive toiler humour to follow***

Oh yeah? Uranus has a dark spot too!

Hey, it's called a birthmark. No need to make fun :(

Uranus has a skid mark

We need to end these jokes once and for all by renaming the planet to Urectum!

: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
: I don't know what that means.
: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

Is it malignant?

Chili always leaves a dark spot on Uranus

just send a probe in there...check that shit out.

Shut up! I was out of toilet paper!

Q: Why's Captain Kirk like Toilet paper?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

I just checked...and you were right...it has a dark spot!

Why the dudes get through...

Was having a conversation with someone at work yesterday at the growing incidence of 'Oops!' among couples. For those practicing abstinence (That includes regular readers of my blog like the pope, the dalai lama and you)

Quite a few of my friends are married or at least committed. And (so far) the incidence of the oops among married couples is rather high.... Figures I pulled out of my ass (I am after all an Analyst) show that this could be as high as 80%.

A fictitious survey conducted by a company whose name I can't think up of shows that most couples who have experienced an Oops are shocked. Typical responses to the phone survey were:

'Dude! How did this happen? We both were using stuff...'
'I finally got to do it after 6 weeks, and this happens!!!'
'Sure I would love to share explicit details of my sex life with strangers who call up...It was a dark and stormy night..'
'I was using double protection, yet my guys broke through! I rock!'
'Please check the number you have dialed. Kripya aapka dial kiya number check kariye'

There are two major reasons why Oops happens.

1. Its a frame-up: Let me first and foremost state that this theory might offend women. So if you are one, skip to the next reason instead of reading this and getting pissed of at me.

This is also known as 'Getting pregnant on the sly'. On second thoughts, I am not going to explain this one. If you don't already know this one, you are a dolt and should be punished for polluting the future generations with your gene.

2. Read the box moron: As the box clearly mention, most birth control methods are 98% effective at most (85% typically).

Even though most of us know this, we are astounded that it still happened. We consider 2% to be such a minuscule figure we equate it closer to Zero.

Well, The next time you see about results for the IIT JEE, read the article. I am linking you to the 2005 results article. (From birth control to IIT? What the frick am I talking about?). Bear with me just for a few more line. You have come this far.


There are 3000 seats for IITs every year. And 180,000 tried to get through in 2005. A success rate of 1%? (My math is poor)

If I can flip the statistic of 98% effectiveness of a condom around, we can assume that 2% of the dudes might make it through the latex wall each time.

The average sperm count is about 40 million. And even if only ONE gets through....But 2% (about 800,000) of them get through each time.

Think about this next time around....

Google me

Go on .. click here to view search results!

Awesome Ad - ( Might not be office safe though )

Video: Getting Caught

Another Year, Another Post

I just got a notice from the Department of Conformance to Unwritten Rules that I had violated Sec 14, Article 9 - Not writing about the past year and/or failure to make predictions for the new year. As a law abiding citizen (netizen???) I must comply with the rule and roll out a post about the past year and add in a bit about the new one. Failing this the department might subpoena my ass. Anyways, here we go.

2006 - End of an era??

For all I know, 2006 might have been the last 'normal' year for me. I see loads of changes happening around this year. For starters, I might not be left with any single friends :-( Or (horrors!) what If I..... eeks! to scary to think about. In any case, it just might so happen that 2006 might have seen a lot of 'lasts'...

Highlights

High of 2006 -
Watching Sam sit on the floor of the toy shop in her pretty pattu paavadai, and try to decide between a Hot Wheels and a Mr. Potato Head. That was the first time I saw her make an adult decision. It was awesome!!! Btw, she went for the Mr. Potato Head toy.

Low of 2006 -
When I accidentally used the word 'paper email' to mean regular mail in a conversation. The worst part was, the other person knew what I meant and didn't find anything wrong with the usage.

Prediction(s)

1. 2007 will have highs and lows.
2. There is a good chance that the 'High' of this year would be the fact that I spelt subpoena correctly in the first try.

Anyways, I guess that should do. See ya soon!