Monday, July 28, 2008


Location: Hyderabad International Airport

It's about 3 AM and I was very, very sleep till about 4 minutes ago.
I was routinely going through security procedures and had put my laptop bag through the security scanner and was being groped by a mustachioed Ben Kingsley lookalike security guy who 
looked like he was enjoying his job.
All through, I waited for my bag to emerge from the grotto. The bag gave a sneak peak, when the Conveyor Belt Guy said 'Peeche lo!, Peeche lo!' (His previous job was as an RTC conductor).They pulled my bag back in, a few beeps and whistles ensue.
The My bag is fished out, and Mr. ex-conductor guy opens the front zipper of the bag, and takes out two screwdrivers and a knife.
This was the moment, 5 minutes ago when my sleep disappeared like India's hopes of winning not badly losing the test series in Sri Lanka.
I was told that they were merely testing the security equipment and had planted the screw drivers themselves.
And in their glee, they missed the fact that they had not planted a knife my bag.
Much worse, the security test was a failure. It didn't detect my automatic Kalashnikov near the laptop power adapter. Mu ha ha ha ha!

In the land of the pharaohs

Location: Taxi on the way to Hyderabad International Airport
Well, at long last I am publishing retro-dated posts of my travel diaries.
I had avoided visiting Shamshabad all along. Hordes of people thronged to see the airport when it opened a few months earlier. I of course, refusing to be part of a horde waiting steadfastly maintaining that I would see the airport only as an air-traveler…and hopefully an international air-traveler (Insha Allah?)
All along the way to the airport, I was depressed in the taxi that I was more excited about seeing my city airport than the pyramids and the Sphinx.
And I was impressed…to say the least.
Let's leave it at that for now. Meet you at the turn near the temple of Isis.

P.S. Sorry for the very very shoddy photoshop MS Paint job

Friday, July 11, 2008

My Rules

Any similarity to 'new rules' is purely intentional.

1. Can the dabbawallah talk - Next time someone talks about innovation in India, no mention should be made of bombay dabbawallahs and their six sigma ratings. Oh and while you are at it, stop talking about the surd who converted a washing machine into a lassi maker. If out of a crowd of 1,20,00,000+ people we need to harp on the same two innovations, let's face it. We are NOT.

2. No Cheese at Mac - Anyone caught taking a photograph at a McDonalds, at the bench with their hand around Ronald McDonald should be shot on the spot and hung from a stake as an example to others. And as an addendum, anyone taking touristy photographs at lame locations like the local mall, multiplex, public toilet etc. can be shot as well.

3. Diss the B - Next time the Big B appears in a Big C grade movie, bitch about his performance, his role  and his choice. Don't diss the entire movie and single out the Big B for being 'the saving grace'. No he isn't. The worst thing about Aag was the Big B. And the movie had Nisha Kothari if you remember.

4. Hose the host - And the politician and the movie producer who says 'The Indian public is smart. Give them credit.' No we aren't. We watch K serials, hug movie stars and buy them expensive gifts when we appear on their show, use our clothes as a substitute for tissues, vote for career criminals,  and listen to bhangra.

5. Forget 1983 - I am told that we won the world cup in 1983. I had no clue since we pretty much suck at cricket and especially during the world cup. The only people who had a right to celebrate the anniversary of winning the cup are the people who actually won it. (Which they did). The morons across India who celebrated that day can be shot along with the Dabbawala talkers and McDonald posers.

6. No dotcom ads - What are the top websites that come to your mind? Google. Yahoo. Rediff. Amazon. etc. What don't? BigAdda.  iBibo. BharatStudent.  I don't want the owners of these websites shot. Not even the broadcasters. Not even the pimply teen who *has* to register at every new social networking site that crops up. Shoot the VCs who fund these supposed 'next google' dotcom idea.

7. Show the door to these endorsements - Shahrukh telling me he loves his pepsi is one thing. Shahrukh telling me he loves driving his Santro? AB (and now) SRK askin me to use Navratan oil? A few years back we had Sachin Tendulkar riding a TVS bike. Are these guys kiddin me? Shoot the next MBA passout ad agency executive who comes up with the idea of using Shahrukh to endorse whisper ultra. And while they are at it... shoot the next creative director who portrays a church wedding for an ad. Last I checked, we are still a hindu major nation and yet all our ads and movies show people getting out of churches ( Race  and Tata Indicom ad anyone?)

8.  Cricket bashers - Next time some hockey or tennis or football nut says that Indian public should support other games and not be obsessed with cricket... don't shoot em. Ask em to go to Brazil and propogate test cricket.

9. Hindi fanatics - The next moron who tells me that I need to know Hindi numbers (and hindi in general) because 'afterall its our national language', should first name every member of the Indian Hockey team. After all its our national game.

10. Shoot anyone named Ekta Kapoor. - Do I need to elaborate why?