Friday, September 29, 2006

My Power Take Off

I will be on (as my office terms it) PTO from Saturday the 30th of September for 10 whole glorious days. As far as I knew this was called a vacation or leave, and I have no idea what PTO means. Being a person who would not take ignorance lying down (I prefer a semi-slouched position for that) I asked Wikipedia what PTO meant... and here are the results..

  1. United States Patent and Trademark Office or any other Patent and Trademark Office
  2. Power take-off
  3. Pacific Theater of Operations - World War II
  4. The inscription "Please Turn Over!" at the bottom of a sheet of paper
  5. "P:T:O:", a music track on the Klaus Schulze album Body Love (1977)
  6. Paid Time Off - used as an abbreviation for holidays in USA
  7. Parent-Teacher Organization, a decision-making body at many schools.
  8. P.T.O., The Phantom of the Opera-- the original novel or an adaptation (movie/musical/literature) or the Phantom character from any of these.
1) US Patent Office - Nope! When I do invent something (Like pre-chewed bubble gum) it will be for the greater common good. I refuse to patent something that will take mankind to the next level.

2) Power Take-Off - This sounds cool, and I wish I was doing that.... but as it turns out, its got a pretty numbing definition. Turns out it isn't even a thing to do.... Herz what it actually is.

A power take-off (PTO) is a splined driveshaft, usually on a tractor or truck that can be used to provide power to an attachment or separate machine

3 & 4) Let's not even consider this one.

5) Am not scheduled to be part of any musical till 2016.

6) Paid Time Off - Hmm....this does make sense!!!

7) No kids! Am not a teacher! So no PTA

Naah! Broadway musicals are not not my tumbler of kaapi....

So here goes, I will be on Personal Time Off for 10 whole days, and chilling out in Leh, Ladakh.

This is good news for you, since (I assume and hope) that in Leh, Net refers to something that they use to keep mosquitoes away, and broadband is
a group of promiscuous women instrumentalists, I will not be blogging for the entire period.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Living better - #1

When one is blessed with an extraordinary insight into life, one feels obliged to share it with lesser mortals. And with this little bit, I shall begin dispensing 'Vixdom' on how to ... live better.

Today's lesson.

Life is divided into things you want to do, and things you have to do.

Your aim...every day, every moment is to do more of the first type (want to do things) and as few of the second(have to do things). But... if you are really good (at living) what you might do is, convert the want to work into have to.

Let me explain, if what you want to do in life is milk llamas but what you have to do (since it is your job) is to rake
iguana droppings. Your aim should be to keep your mitts of iguana turds and on llama tits, change your job if you have to. Or look through a mallu's head for oil deposits, retire early, and start a Llama farm.

Next time you have a task at hand, ask yourself this. "Is this something I want to do, or something I have to do?".
Don't worry, you will have all the time to answer this while they take you down to the crazy house for talking to yourself.

If its the first type, do it. If it's not, think of a way you can weasel out of it. Simple.

Monday, September 25, 2006


Many of you....Okay, 3 of you, asked me about the earliest memories post in vixlist.

Here's what they were all about...

(To paraphrase Forrest Gump) I dont remember being born..or my first Diwali.. But these were some of the memories which spilled out when I dug my hands upto elbows into my brain's dusty old Trunk Potti It really is funny what a guy remembers..and what he doesnt.

The balcony scene... is from Sambalpur, where I was born. Dont remember anything else about that town..never lived there. The rest... from the Hill Station of Ranchi..which is in present day Jharkhand. I had an operation when I was young (About a year old I am told).... but strangely If I wasnt told of it....I wouldnt know about it at all. The incident of me mistaking my blood for red paint was one of my grandfather's favourite tales.....

The 'rrrrr' post has a nice story behind it, which I will save for a later day.... :-)

Reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes strip. ( Calvin: I am going to write my autobiography. Hobbes: But you are only 6 years old.. Calvin: Thats all right, I have only 1 sheet of paper. )

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Lists Ahoy!!!!

You might be aware of VixList , my collection of wish lists of various people and a few other lists too. Well, as it turns out, I have started a new list here. This is a list of the 3 earliest memories you have.

Sounds simple? Trust me, you are goin to be racking your brains for this one... You will realize that the top of the heap are memories from your 'defining years'. For most of us (I assume), these are our college days. Putting these aside, you venture deeper into the attic, and stumble upon a few 'insignificant' doodads... the family vacation to Kanyakumari, a gift you bought for someone but never presented, a vague face or two from god knows where...Then come the flood of extremes... the first kiss, The passing away of someone dear, the major breakbreak, the second kiss (Isn't it better than the first?)...

It took me a good 2 weeks to get to my earliest memory... Hope it doesn't take you as long.

You can find my list of 3 earliest memories here. Let me know what yours are.... ask your friends what theirs are too... and I promise I will add every person's entry, whether I know them or not.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Which Comic?

For no particular reason, I was wondering which comic character would I want to be.... across all genres... I coulnd't think of any...

The obvious thoughts were...

Calvin - I hated school. Don't wanna go back there...

Richie Rich - Can't spend my life wearing blue tight shorts...and a bowtie...heavens no!!!

Archie - Be a teenager with hormones raging and empty wallet.... i'll pass
Charlie Brown - I bet even Charlie Brown doesn't want to be Charlie Brown...

Superman - The costume is so gay... no way

Batman/Spiderman etc etc lead a very disturbed life...

Mandrake - Hmm... bonking Narda would be good, But am afraid of wearing capes ever since I read about Isadoa Duncan

Tintin - I hate snowy...would also be tough since I would find myself annoying

Asterix - Can't live in ancient times..... they dind't even have broadband for God's sake....!!!

Any suggestions folks??? Who would you want to be btw?

P.S. Happy 28th Birthday to N. Will alert the firebrigade about your cake...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Across the universe

Listenin to the song right now, and each time I listen to it, it makes more sense to me.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup....

Ever have one of those days when one moment does not lead to the next? It leads you to the moment after the next, to the moment past, or through narrow lanes in drizzly weather in search of a memory you can't pinpoint.

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind...

After a long long time, I feel confused. And it is not a feeling I am enjoying. 

Nothings gonna change my world

Yeah right!!!

The Hero for Today

If I wasn't such a poor cartoonist (among other things), I would have started my own comic strip. My love for this medium is well known among my friends. (The others can refer to this post.) While traveling back from Chennai I was day-dreaming about my strip and its central character. I have decided that it is going to be (or rather never going to be, since I am sure I will not magically acquire the talent) a Superhero Strip.... I might try exploring the possibilities of working with someone for the artwork (Is there a cartoonist in the house?) or changing the format from a cartoon to flash fiction.

Anyway without further ado....I present to you...

When the world is sleeping..... HE is hard at work... (background sound: keyboard, people talking politely)

But when world is wide awake, HE is fighting for them... between 2PM and 6PM on weekdays. Presenting .... The Call Center Kid

Real Name: Anand (Andy at work)

Works as: Collections Agent

Work Timings:
As Andy-The Collector: 7PM to 3AM IST
As 'The CC Kid': 2PM - 6PM

Super Hero Powers:
Ability to feign any accent
Ability to work on Indian holiday like Diwali and Dusherra

Super Hero Wheels:
Tata Indicab (Saving up for a bike)

Any further ideas for our new age superhero? Specifically..

* His 'arch enemy'
* His weakness

btw, a big Yea! for Firefox 2.0 and its inbuilt spell check.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Hisaab Kitab

Case: Let me start with the bottom line. You owe me Rs.20. Plain and simple. Reason: Remember our trip to the Bacardi Homeland, Nanjangud. Remember the journey, remember the temple, remember the elephant, remember being humped/raped/screwed/scammed there by the ...Iyers. We had entered it into our book of accounts as a write-off under Temple Rape, an accounting code we had to introduce for this special case. And now.... you have joined hands with the very same people who did this to us... How could you????? Proof: Refer pic. Also I believe you have our 'account book' you can refer that... and mostly, you can look into your own kaleja you backstabber (kaleja is heart right??? Or is it the liver?)

Action Items:

1. Refund me my half of the 20 bucks (Rs.10)
2. Rs.10 as backstabbing charges

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I, Caveman

Did I tell ya about last Wednesday? Too late... am gonna tell you anyway. I went to Sagar (as in Nagarjuna) with my office friends. (Unceremoniously dumping a certain someone who since she is the kindest, most gracious person in the world, forgives me instantaneously. Dang! forgot to mention sexy, intelligent etc.)

The trip was pretty ho-hum, what with the Hyderabad weather suddenly being hotter than [insert name of your favourite supermodel] in a thong. The dullest part I have to admit was (surprise! surprise!) the museum. After going through a third of the place, I gave up,and sat admiring the best exhibit there... an ancient electric fan belonging to ..uh Raja Nagarjuna of.... Sagar.

I will now use my brilliant mind to conjure up images of the remaining parts of the museum....aah! I see more broken pots, stone buttocks without a head, and stone heads (not the rock concert type) without (surprise! surprise!) buttocks, and pillars with stuff written on them that nobody gives an Iguana's ass about.

And while I type, proof, and edit this post and release it into the blogosphere to rot among billions of others, I wonder "What on earth were these ancient people thinking? Why would they want to waste an evening of their life writing tonnes of crap which no one on earth would wanna read? Did they really think somebody's reading?"

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Go Me

Its not everyday that one can claim to have made someone's day, or played one of their several roles perfectly. But do I dare say I just might have done it today?

What say R? I do have the evidence to support my claim.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Cheesy Post...

Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"

So with this sada hua joke I would like to inform you that I am indeed back from my weekend trip to Chennai... details when am a bit free....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

For lack of a better word...

I guess it would only be honest if I tell you upfront what happened just sometime earlier. I spent a little time over the weekend with this friend of mine, trying (in vain) to knock some sense into her. She was living in a fantasy world, one which you would find in a Mills & Boons or a Bollywood movie. Am not entirely sure, but I think I made my point quite succinctly that the real world is like.... what it is. I can assure you that the previous line is no indication of my ability to frame my thought. I did manage to put across my point to her rather well using better metaphors and convinced her of the real world's utter lack of ...for lack of a better word....magic.

Upon reaching home, I felt a slight uneasiness and quickly diagnosed it as a bout of chronic hipocritis. It is to cure this annoying ailment that I am typing out this blog entry on a Sunday night when I would rather be watching The Godfather on DVD....again.

I figure,that by telling you what I really think about the issue at hand ( about the world not being a fantasy land..not about my being verbally challenged. ) So cover your ears reader, for I am not about to shout at the top of my voice.


There I feel much better now and can continue my meeting with the Corleone family (lest I sleep with the fishes) But I have a feeling I leave you with the rather sour aftertaste, like one you would get if you chewed thru the lyric of an old country western song. So I take this excuse (and also the fact that a writer has the advantage of not having to look at the disinterested eyes of his reader) to emphasize my loud statement.

The world is indeed magical, and I don't mean this in a cheesy christmassy, picnic in the park, first kissy, piano and saxophone kind of way. And before you even hope to interrupt, I am not speaking of bunny's out of a hat, owls dropping mails type either. The magic I refer to is quite different.

Its the kind of magic which makes a streetlight aware of the conversation between two 'about to be best friends' sitting on an equally magical manhole cover. The streetlight widens its eyes with interest and nods away during moments of 'ahs' and 'ums'.

Its the kind of magic which makes an entire city change its weather at the peak of summer to summon rainclouds with a slight hint of rain, allowing two to share an umbrella...

To make the water gush out of a pipe loudly in the railway station just when there is the danger of nothing left to be said during the goodbye.

You are flying back to your city, enveloped in the hushed darkness, making you doubt if your home is happy at seeing you come back.... the plane takes another round over the airport... just to rub it in. dominoes, you see the lights come on... over the entire city...the streets, hotels, homes... "Surprize!!!".... a welcome back party for you....from your home city.....magic!

I can continue quoting instances, but if you aren't convinced already, you never will be. And such a pity.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Breakfast and the Bog

As my friends know, I am a loo cleaning fanatic. I cant 'go' unless the pot is spotlessly clean. A toilet brush and loo cleaners are part of my 'Desert Island Survival Kit'. The Harpic company sends me flowers for my birthday and calls up when I am out of town to enquire why sales are low.

Now to a guy like me, the greatest thing since the easy pour spout and dual side nylon brush (FYI I prefer loaf bread to sliced) is the Harpic tablet. You have probably seen them in the supermarket. This round, blue tablet which you drop down the flush tank, and it cleans the loo a bit everytime you flush. Last time I picked up a 'Buy 2 get 1 free' offer on these, and instantly dropped one of the tablets in the flush tank..... and me being me, read the Instructions and everything else behind the pack during my morning do. These things come in flavours you know? And i do mean flavours...apparantly the pack I picked up was 'Green Apple'!!!!!!!

You are probably far ahead of me on this one, but for the readers who still believe Ganguly might make it to the team... let me spell it out..slowly... using simple words

This morning, there I was reading the morning paper in my favourite spot. Am all done, and flush.... and it strikes me "Hey! I am almost out of apple juice and have to pick up a few cartons today."

There are no offers on the pure 'non flavoured' blue tablets but I plan to pick them up next time.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

N n D sittin in a tree...

Jus back home from N's home. I would say last night was 'script written' in the sense, it went exactly as we expected it to...which is a good thing.

Minutes of the meeting?????

* His 'life'
* My 'life'
* Ammendment to 'Save for a better life policy' was introduced. The ammendment does not make us choose between havin a good 'NOW' and working towards 'tomorrow'. Now we plan to do both...and will.
* A brief overview of financials. N issued a medium to long term guidance, while I refused to make any comments on the long term.

The next time we booze together should be sometime in November, but let's see.... thats far far away.

Since yesterday I have been trippin over the 'New York Nagaram' track from Jillunu Oru Kadhal. Its been ages since I have been so besotted by any track. So expect me to be a Pain in the @$$ (even more so) and expect you to love it too....

Ya! This post stinks. My excuse? I didn't have kaapi yet.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Pop Culture Decides

Know whats the latest to irk me. I hate the fact that we ( and by that I mainly mean me) rely on pop culture (which in India translates to our movies) to dictate if we are wierdos or not.

If you were in love with a chicken(and let me expressly mention that I am referring to love as in the love between a 90 year old millionaire and a 19 year old gold digging bimbette) you would of course be secretive about your torrid love affair with poultry. But if in the next SRK starer, King Khan professes his love for poultry, then goes ahead and courts a rather (foxy?) chicken right under the beak of 'her' betrothed (in this case, a handsome rooster), it would be 'okay'. Even your mom might agree to this match....

Many years back A hindu-muslim love affair was 'horrid', till cinema glorified it. If you notice, love marriages, nuclear families, divorce, homosexuality etc are 'okay' only after movies were made on it.

To make it clear, I am not complaining about these 'immoral activities' or whatever being okayed by society, but rather that we wait for our movie industry to okay who we are. In the sense the movie industry is like the 'ultra cool group' from college, who decided what was 'in' and what wasn't, and we bent over backwards trying to conform to them.

To get to the point, I was in two minds about something. And recently saw a movie which kinda depicted the same thing but with candy floss and a happy ending. Instantly I was comfortable with the very same thing that had been bothering me....all because it had the Bollywood/Tollywood stamp of approval.

I sicken me.