Monday, January 29, 2007

Living Better #3

Part 1
Part 2

It has been sometime since I let you in on another one of my saucer of secrets to living better... This bit though was something I realized last Saturday in Bangalore (My cousin Prashi can vouch for that)

Every day, just once, when you feel like peeing, hold it in.

I repeat.

Hold it in.

Till you feel you can't hold it in any longer. Then (needless to say, but I must for legal reasons) rush to the loo and relieve yourself.

What you will lose in damage to your kidney and bladder you will have gained in sheer happiness. Trust me on this one. :-)

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A 2nd draft...

I complained earlier that I was not entirely satisfied with my 'nugget of wisdom'. It was too long and rambling, and I needed something short and spiffy. Let me know if this second draft of the message works..

If you want a relationship that lasts your lifetime, you better take up smoking.

Is this version better ? Would you have figured out what it means if you hadn't read my previous post? Let me know.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

My Eureka

I believe that every person has something to contribute towards humanity's pool of wisdom. My friend Nimish for example, had this quote to contribute towards the pool

"Life is too big for small events."

Now you might not exactly know what he is talking about, or maybe each of you will interpret it in your own way. But thats besides the point. He has made his statement, and it will remain drifting among other quotes from people ranging from Plato to Palani saami. (On a side note, his contribution to the wisdom pool just about made up for his poising the human gene pool.)

Coming to the agenda for this post. Somewhere late last weekend, I think I have come up with something too. Though it might not be as 'short and snappy' as I would have wanted, nevertheless it makes a lot of sense for me right now.

Every relationship comes with an expiry date. If you want one that lasts a lifetime, pick one which expires a hundred and fifty years from now, and hope that medical science doesn't progress as fast.

Am done now. Bye :-)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Seriously dorks!!!

Are the geeks / dorks / whatever really that clueless? Check this news from SETI,

That is begging for jokes..... here are some comments on the article from the web...

***Warning excessive toiler humour to follow***

Oh yeah? Uranus has a dark spot too!

Hey, it's called a birthmark. No need to make fun :(

Uranus has a skid mark

We need to end these jokes once and for all by renaming the planet to Urectum!

: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
: I don't know what that means.
: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

Is it malignant?

Chili always leaves a dark spot on Uranus

just send a probe in there...check that shit out.

Shut up! I was out of toilet paper!

Q: Why's Captain Kirk like Toilet paper?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

I just checked...and you were has a dark spot!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Why the dudes get through...

Was having a conversation with someone at work yesterday at the growing incidence of 'Oops!' among couples. For those practicing abstinence (That includes regular readers of my blog like the pope, the dalai lama and you)

Quite a few of my friends are married or at least committed. And (so far) the incidence of the oops among married couples is rather high.... Figures I pulled out of my ass (I am after all an
Analyst) show that this could be as high as 80%.

A fictitious survey conducted by a company whose name I can't think up of shows that most couples who have experienced an Oops are shocked. Typical responses to the phone survey were:

'Dude! How did this happen? We both were using stuff...'
'I finally got to do it after 6 weeks, and this happens!!!'
'Sure I would love to share explicit details of my sex life with strangers who call up...It was a dark and stormy night..'
'I was using double protection, yet my guys broke through! I rock!'
'Please check the number you have dialed. Kripya aapka dial kiya number check kariye'

There are two major reasons why Oops happens.

1. Its a frame-up: Let me first and foremost state that this theory might offend women. So if you are one, skip to the next reason instead of reading this and getting pissed of at me.

This is also known as 'Getting pregnant on the sly'. On second thoughts, I am not going to explain this one. If you don't already know this one, you are a dolt and should be punished for polluting the future generations with your gene.

2. Read the box moron: As the box clearly mention, most birth control methods are 98% effective at most (85% typically).

Even though most of us know this, we are astounded that it still happened. We consider 2% to be such a minuscule figure we equate it closer to Zero.

Well, The next time you see about results for the IIT JEE, read the article. I am linking you to the 2005 results article. (From birth control to IIT? What the frick am I talking about?). Bear with me just for a few more line. You have come this far.

There are 3000 seats for IITs every year. And 180,000 tried to get through in 2005.
A success rate of 1%? (My math is poor)

If I can flip the statistic of 98% effectiveness of a condom around, we can assume that 2% of the dudes might make it through the latex wall each time.

The average sperm count is about 40 million.
And even if only ONE gets through....But 2% (about 800,000) of them get through each time.

Think about this next time around....

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Another Year, Another Post

I just got a notice from the Department of Conformance to Unwritten Rules that I had violated Sec 14, Article 9 - Not writing about the past year and/or failure to make predictions for the new year. As a law abiding citizen (netizen???) I must comply with the rule and roll out a post about the past year and add in a bit about the new one. Failing this the department might subpoena my ass. Anyways, here we go.

2006 - End of an era??

For all I know, 2006 might have been the last 'normal' year for me. I see loads of changes happening around this year. For starters, I might not be left with any single friends :-( Or (horrors!) what If I..... eeks! to scary to think about. In any case, it just might so happen that 2006 might have seen a lot of 'lasts'...


High of 2006 -
Watching Sam sit on the floor of the toy shop in her pretty pattu paavadai, and try to decide between a Hot Wheels and a Mr. Potato Head. That was the first time I saw her make an adult decision. It was awesome!!! Btw, she went for the Mr. Potato Head toy.

Low of 2006 -

When I accidentally used the word 'paper email' to mean regular mail in a conversation. The worst part was, the other person knew what I meant and didn't find anything wrong with the usage.


1. 2007 will have highs and lows.
2. There is a good chance that the 'High' of this year would be the fact that I spelt subpoena correctly in the first try.

Anyways, I guess that should do. See ya soon!