The kind of @$$hole I am

People often ask me, "Vik! You say you are an asshole, pray tell what makes you think so?" (People talk that way!! I swear!!)

Let me explain why I am an asshole.

About 5 years ago, I was working at my first job. I commuted by bus regularly. I got off, when the bus slowed down after the Begumpet bridge, right outside Lifestyle. My office was behind the Lifestyle building and I had to take a short walk around the back.

On the first day of work, I noticed a beggar woman sitting on the pavement. Not one of those wretched creatures with an eye missing or a limb protruding from the backside. (You probably have decided by now that no further evidence of my being an asshole is needed, but I am not sleepy yet, and there is nothing good on TV.) The only noticeable handicap she seemed to have was an acute gingivitis and receding hairline. If this was reason enough to beg, my ex-boss would not have to crib about commuting to work. Anyway, normally I wouldn't even remotely consider prying my tight fist and tossing a coin her way (or in the words of Charlton Heston "From my cold dead hands"). But this day, probably because it being my first day at work, I figured I need all the 'good karma' that I can get. So I rooted through my change, and the smallest change was a Two Rupee coin. With a heavy heart, I watched as I tossed it at the squatting beggar woman.

In the days that followed, I passed by that beggar every morning but having had enough good karma in my satchel, never even remotely considered giving her any money. But encouraged by my generous alms on the first day, she put on a grand show of begging each time I passed by. Her best 'hungry for 4 days' expression was reserved for me. But no luck!

After a couple of weeks, she probably realized that day one was an aberration and I was a cheapskate. So one fine day, when I passed her by, she IGNORED me. That's right, no miserable expressions, no anti-grin, no groans of intense gum pain. No show! I was offended. How could she not think of me as a prospective alms giver? I tossed a 1 Rupee coin at her and walked on.

This became a regular cycle for the next two years. The encouraged beggar, would employ her best beggar-marketing skills for days on end with no fruitful results, and just when she gave up, I tossed her a coin to get her revved up for a week more.

What can I say? I told you I was an asshole.

The fine art of gifting

Earlier this week, a friend of mine asked me for help in deciding on a gift for his 'lady friend' (a term which is as weird as him). Now, normally I steer clear of anything which might even give the slightest indication that I feel i know what women want.  But faced with sheer  mind numbing boredom at office, I venture to give him a few nuggets of vixdom.

I have given below excerpts from our chat.

Friend: What do women like being gifted on their bday?

Me: well.... I will go out on a limb and actually claim a little experience in this area

Friend: u don't know? Do you?

Me: "something which gives them a glimpse of the future they wish to see", I have chosen my words carefully.

Friend: hmm
(Probably realizing he is going to get way more advice than he bargained for, and thinking of ways to end the conversation ASAP. But hez not goin to escape that easily)

Me: this birthday i actually opened my fist and bought sandhya a few gifts
        and here is my scorecard

Friend: hmm
(Picturing himself sinking in a quagmire, a slow certain death)

Vikram_Mohan [03:34]:

Gift #1 - Mobile
Result: Flop. Since at the end of the, it was transactional. quid-pro-quo. She bought me mine, so I bought her hers. no big deal.  In fact, since I went on to lose my mobile, she bought me another.
... and due to certain things, she will end up paying for HER mobile too. This might be the Ramgopal Varma ki Aag of gifts...

Gift #2: loads of clothes at Westside
Result: Ho Hum! No big deal. Just another thing to wear. no 'wow' factor.

Gift #3. Bean Bags
Result: Flop! She felt that i was spending too much money and insisted I stop. (Note: When women ask you to stop spending, never, ever take this seriously. Ever! Learn from my mistakes)


Friend: hmm  (Not sure if he was actually copy pasting his 'hmm' by now. Or even paying a bencher to do it for him)

 

Me:

Gift #4: Surprize birthday cake.

Result: Semi-hit. We had a bad fight earlier and this helped thaw things a bit. But the fight took its toll on the gift's brownie point collections.

 

Gift #5: Got 'glow-in-dark' stars painted on bedroom ceiling.

 

Friend:wow! (Realizing that he can actually move this left ear with a great deal of concentration, and a mere flick of his fingers)

Me:
Result: Mega bumper super hit.

Which leads me to my second 'thumb rule'

 

Friend: CTRL + V -> hmmmm

 

Me:
if u have the first rule, can you copy paste it plz

Me:
i prefer having these things one after the other. also it will help me collect my thoughts

Friend:
nope i don't (Big surprise!!!)

 

Me:

ok.... i figure the reason this worked is....
women think (or is it know?) that we don't listen to them when they yap on and on. But if you give a gift which borrows an idea from some obscure thing she mentioned sometime while waiting for a double chocolate mousse on a rainy Wednesday... it shows them that you were..in fact... listening.

By now , my friend probably realized that he wasn't in fact chained to his desk as he erroneously thought and bolted for the cafeteria.

Epilogue:

Gift #6: Making veggie burgers (since she mentioned a craving sometime back), chilled cut mangoes (the way she used to get back home), Getting a horror movie (wifey loves the scary flicks) and also a backup movie (Enchanted, she adores it). And to top it off, Chocolate Mousse (Bought it, but it still counts)

 

Result: Well. Take a guess. (Hint: This whole thing happened about half hour back, and here I am blogging…and eating my chocolate mousse.) L