Sunday, May 25, 2008

The kind of @$$hole I am

People often ask me, "Vik! You say you are an asshole, pray tell what makes you think so?" (People talk that way!! I swear!!)

Let me explain why I am an asshole.

About 5 years ago, I was working at my first job. I commuted by bus regularly. I got off, when the bus slowed down after the Begumpet bridge, right outside Lifestyle. My office was behind the Lifestyle building and I had to take a short walk around the back.

On the first day of work, I noticed a beggar woman sitting on the pavement. Not one of those wretched creatures with an eye missing or a limb protruding from the backside. (You probably have decided by now that no further evidence of my being an asshole is needed, but I am not sleepy yet, and there is nothing good on TV.) The only noticeable handicap she seemed to have was an acute gingivitis and receding hairline. If this was reason enough to beg, my ex-boss would not have to crib about commuting to work. Anyway, normally I wouldn't even remotely consider prying my tight fist and tossing a coin her way (or in the words of Charlton Heston "From my cold dead hands"). But this day, probably because it being my first day at work, I figured I need all the 'good karma' that I can get. So I rooted through my change, and the smallest change was a Two Rupee coin. With a heavy heart, I watched as I tossed it at the squatting beggar woman.

In the days that followed, I passed by that beggar every morning but having had enough good karma in my satchel, never even remotely considered giving her any money. But encouraged by my generous alms on the first day, she put on a grand show of begging each time I passed by. Her best 'hungry for 4 days' expression was reserved for me. But no luck!

After a couple of weeks, she probably realized that day one was an aberration and I was a cheapskate. So one fine day, when I passed her by, she IGNORED me. That's right, no miserable expressions, no anti-grin, no groans of intense gum pain. No show! I was offended. How could she not think of me as a prospective alms giver? I tossed a 1 Rupee coin at her and walked on.

This became a regular cycle for the next two years. The encouraged beggar, would employ her best beggar-marketing skills for days on end with no fruitful results, and just when she gave up, I tossed her a coin to get her revved up for a week more.

What can I say? I told you I was an asshole.

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